When we are born and begin to grow, we learn from much more than from the words that are told to us. The world (and us as an inseparable part of it) appears as a terrain to be explored by the senses. And everything in it, including people, is the object of observation. What they do, what they say, how our mirror adults behave, that is, those who raise us and become our model, undoubtedly influence how we will be later.
The same happens with love. The relationship of love (or lack of love) of those who raised us, and even their relationship with us work as a scheme. It is possible that what we see, what we feel (or what we suffer, too) unconsciously becomes our way of understanding love.
For this reason, it is very common that at some point in your life you have happened to see that your partner had some things similar to your parents, or that the same thing happened with a friend and it was super obvious to you.
How much is your partner like your parents?
Think for a moment about your relationship and mark how many of these things happen to you frequently:
- When you get angry with him/her you can throw a real “tantrum”.
- When something bothers you about him/her, it bothers you much more than anyone else.
- You fear disappointing him/her.
- You often claim that you take care of yourself too much or, on the contrary, not take care of yourself enough.
- You want very deeply to never stop being important in his life.
- You fear that he will leave you.
- You feel safe if he holds your hand.
- It is always telling you what you have or not to do.
- You think his love is unconditional.
- You blame him/her for not being able to do what you want.
- He is the first person you call when you feel bad.
- You idealize him/her.
- You feel safe if you know he is home.
- You feel jealous if you spend a lot of time away from home.
- You get angry if he is not there when you need him.
- You’re disappointed if he doesn’t remember special dates.
- You feel that it demands too much of you to the point of not letting you breathe.
If you have been able to score 8 or more, surely there is some pattern in the love relationship with your parents that is being repeated in your partner. This does not mean that your boyfriend/girlfriend is physically the same as one of your parents, but rather that the way in which you learned what love was is possibly the same that you now unconsciously repeat or seek in a relationship.
Of course, for each particular person this will be different, because each person lives it in a different way. But if you notice any of these things frequently, it would be good if you could give yourself a space to be able to dialogue and deconstruct your forms of love, if you think that some of them bother you or hurt you.
Always remember that your upbringing always marks your life in one way or another, but then there is the possibility of creating what you really want. And that, you will only do it through one very important thing: questioning what you take as “normal”, even in love.