Possibly you are in the prison of the irrational thoughts, conformed by beliefs and these, in turn, have become so strong in you that they have become paradigms: you look, observe, act and qualify your life and situations through the lens that you yourself have shaped based on the experiences and your mental model.
A mental model is the way you represent the world to yourself: to a certain stimulus, you react in the same way. And beliefs are usually big generalizations about how you interpret a bias, a cut, of everything that happens or you observe.
To delve into how to overcome it and thus have an open mind and willing to new possibilities, Albert Ellis, American cognitive psychotherapist, developed rational emotive behavior therapy (TREC) from 1955. He was considered the second most influential psychotherapist in history – ahead of Sigmund Freud, who was the third; the first was Carl Rogers-.
The 11 useless beliefs that arise from irrational thoughts
Ellis says that most people base their lives on eleven irrational thoughts that have no justification and that they are the ones that lead them to lose their self-esteem, self-esteem and opportunities for growth. In other words, these are useless patterns for human development:
Beliefs about the approval of others
Many people think that everything they do and say has to be approved by the gaze of others. Wanting to please at all costs generates submission and servility to the opinion of others.
Having to be strong in all aspects of your life
No one person is competent in all areas of life. The search for success and even resisting, wanting to be strong when a limit has been reached, leads you to compare yourself with others, to stress and the fear of failing or making mistakes; And mistakes are precisely something inherent to the learning process in human nature if you know how to capitalize on them.
People are “bad” on purpose and should be punished (according to “your” value system)
For Ellis, in general, one acts without “conscious malice.” He affirms that one acts out of ignorance or because of an emotional disturbance that leads to committing this type of act; of which one is not aware while executing that act. Punishing harshly accentuates the tendency to act “bad,” while reasonable tolerance can bring about positive change. That is why before judging it is important to understand the context of the circumstances. And he remembers: understanding is not the same as justifying.
You have to achieve everything you set your mind to
The neutral reality and what gives it the positive and negative sign is the emotional interpretation of each experience. If you do not adjust your life expectations, you lose objectivity regarding what is possible to achieve and what is not. Fantasy, dreams and longings are an important fuel for people, although if you don’t act you don’t put them into action; and, if they are not achieved, most tend to think negatively. A life-changing question can be: “Are things as negative as I see them, or am I overreacting to my emotional reaction to this issue?”
People are who they are and never change.
“You are responsible for your destiny” says the psychologist. Everything that a person sets out to change, such as negative emotions, painful and traumatic episodes, can be transformed. It is not magic or a simple matter of will: according to Ellis, everything starts from the fact that these experiences are built by oneself; and just as you create them, you can also remove or change them in the vast majority of cases. He affirms that it is necessary to discover the illogical thoughts and phrases associated with those emotions as a first step to change one’s own verbalizations, and gradually transform the associated emotions.
Worrying about what is coming avoids mistakes
This is another of the beliefs based on irrational thoughts. Anticipatory fears about the future will not only prevent errors, but will slow down the possibility of sizing up their seriousness. For example, when you “worry” too much about something, it is possible that that negative accentuates it more strongly. So, don’t worry: take care of today, only of the present.
The difficult complicates life more
When your thoughts qualify anything as “difficult”, the brain stops, because this vital organ loves the word “solution”. So, cataloging it negatively is going to take much more effort. The fundamental thing is to take the first step, which is the one that usually costs the most: it is called making decisions. Once you do that the ‘ladder’ on how to proceed will gradually appear. Admitting that there are actions more complex than others, the feeling of satisfaction will also be greater the more difficult the achievement is, because the more difficult, the more connection you will get with the enjoyment when you get the result.
You have to fight for independence no matter what.
We are not islands: we depend on others. This co-construction is healthy as long as you learn to set limits and have independence of opinion, emotions, and feelings. Two keys are learning to say no and to ask for help when necessary, having proven that you can’t do it on your own (not to do it for mere comfort). Many people enter into irrational thoughts of dependency; for example: dependence on the past, when you remained anchored in that experience in which you felt emotions of triumph; or to a relationship, because it made you feel that you were a complete being just by being with another person -when you know well that we are all complete just as we are-.
It is necessary to leave all the past behind
This is another very common irrational thought; the truth is we cannot “erase” the past, although it is possible to elaborate and resignify it (give it a new meaning). The past determines the present and the future. Although it is known that many people anchor themselves in the past and transform it into a limiting belief as an excuse for not changing what they know must be changed, and that is how they live stuck and complain permanently.
People (the world) must change for you to be better
is factually impossible to change the way of being and thinking of other people. We can barely handle ourselves. Albert Ellis argues that wanting to appropriate the problems of others is usually a pretext for not facing yours; that is, avoid self-knowledge and take the reins of responsibility over your life. And he adds that respecting free will is fundamental to having healthy bonds with others.
You have to look for perfection
Perfection does not exist on this physical plane. Therefore, when you speak to yourself in terms of absolute truths, it will not help you build greater internal freedom. Since there are no perfect solutions, you can only detect those options that are more appropriate than others. Here Ellis proposes to choose the ones that are considered most viable and that contribute to your growth and development and start there.
The ABC technique to work your irrational thoughts
The first step is to show that the belief you have is irrational. Ellis proposes the simple ABC technique:
A: The event > What you are experiencing or has happened
B: Evaluation that we make of what has happened > The interpretation that you make
C: Emotion that generates us and what we do > The emotional component that you put on the event and the evaluation.
Example of irrational thinking:
A: Event > I skidded in the street
B: Evaluation > Everyone looks at me; I’m a mess
C: Emotion > Shame, discomfort, desire to disappear, anxiety
Example of the same situation, from a positive, contributive and more rational perspective:
A: Event > I skidded in the street
B: Evaluation > It is something that can happen to anyone. I get up and/or ask for help and/or laugh at myself, and continue.
C: Emotion > Discomfort for having fallen (here notice how you decrease emotion by placing yourself in another perspective on the matter).
Internally, in order to act more assertively, it is possible to incorporate and practice the ABCDE model, also proposed by Ellis:
To: The event
B: Evaluation we make of what has happened
C: Emotion that generates us and what we do
And here we add the following:
D: Questioning irrational thoughts
E: New rational thought (format the new mental model)
Let’s look at this example: I go out to do some paperwork and I realize that I am wearing socks of different colors (A). Surely everyone will think I’m crazy (B). This causes me discomfort, anguish, shame (C). And here begins the new thing: It is very unlikely that others will notice that I have socks of different colors; people are focused on themselves; In addition, they can see it as a distinctive personal sign (D). Therefore, I don’t worry about it and move on (E).
Thus, to create the new contributive and rational thinking (versus the usual irrational) the axis is point D, when you internally debate about your thinking.
Here I share how I practice it in my case: I ask myself all the time, does this thought take me away or bring me closer to the result I am looking for? Does it help me or disadvantage me?
As you can see, looking from that perspective calms you down, calms you down, and refocuses your attention, taking it from a possible “mistake” you made to a more positive contribution that doesn’t entangle you emotionally. And this simply means that you will be learning to manage your emotions more appropriately.