Love is one of the most beautiful things we have in life, but there are many myths around it. Of these, the most harmful is possibly the one that says that “love hurts”. That is not true. It is possible to build love from positive relationships, where no one gets hurt.
Of course, it is normal that you ever argue with your partner and spend a day or two sad. As it can happen if you fight with your brothers or with your best friend. That doesn’t mean love has to hurt. That idea is what, in many cases, justifies violent or abusive relationships.
That is why it is important that you remember that the love that is worth keeping forever is the one where both parties win, and become better people. Only then is it possible for a relationship to make us happy.
But… How do you know if a relationship has the ingredients to be healthy and enriching?
There are many factors to answer that question, but you should know that, at a minimum, all positive relationships are based on these 4 pillars:
1. Attachment based on trust
Many times “attachment” is thought of as something bad, as a dependency, but it is not. Actually, our attachment style is the way we have to relate emotionally with others; and this can be positive or negative.
Attachment Theory explains that this way of relating to others has its origin in the first relationships we have established, as babies, with the person who was in our care. This form of attachment that we learn at an early age is reproduced in our relationships throughout life.
Positive relationships are those that are based on a secure attachment style.
This means that they are people who are comfortable with relationship and intimacy. That they are willing to feel vulnerable, because they know that they have the unconditional support of the other person; but they also know how to take care of their spaces and give space to the other.
In other words, it is an attachment that finds a balance between the desire to be with the other and the preservation of one’s own identity. Therefore, there is no paranoia or fear of being betrayed, left or hurt; trust the other person.
In contrast, some types of dysfunctional attachments are anxious-dependent attachment (the person feels that a romantic relationship involves spending all their time with the other person, otherwise it will not work) or anxious-avoidant (on the contrary, they are afraid of losing their independence in a serious relationship, so they don’t assume it).
2. Have a common project
Each person, according to their way of understanding the world, wants something from a relationship. It can be forming a family, accompanying each other in their projects or enjoying the small pleasures of life.
In any case, positive relationships are those in which those concepts about what the relationship is coincide. Thus, the efforts of each one will be oriented towards a common project, and they will thus feel that every moment they spend together has meaning.
A positive love is one in which the two parties form a true team, and walk together towards a common goal, without ever losing sight of their personal goals.
3. Ability to solve problems
Every day brings with it many problems. Some serious, and some small. But in all cases, these are things that need to be resolved.
For a couple to work and be enriching, they must learn to face and also solve the problems that occur within the relationship. Thus, it is very important that the members of the couple have the ability to communicate their feelings, and also empathy to understand those of the other.
Thus, it becomes possible to face couple problems in a mature and enjoyable way. People in positive relationships also know when to point out positive things and when to point out negative things; and they are not ashamed to laugh at themselves when the situation calls for it.
4. Ability to repair what has been broken
As we said at the beginning of this note, love does not have to hurt, but sometimes it can; So we all make mistakes. And sometimes, without meaning to, we can say something we shouldn’t have said, or act in an inappropriate way.
Those who maintain positive relationships know how to repair those mistakes. They are able to accept that they have been wrong, and take advantage of those opportunities to change.
eye! Don’t confuse this with a person doing something wrong over and over again (such as being violent or lying) and then apologizing. That, more than knowing how to repair errors, is a form of manipulation.
Here we talk about the fact that in a good relationship there can be a stumbling block, but accepting it, talking about it and getting something positive out of it, can become a possibility to improve as people and as a couple.
Is your relationship based on these 4 pillars?